Morphine

Sur la Morphine


"       C'est n'est pas "un état d'anxiété", c'est une morte lente qui s'empare du morphinomane pour peu qu'on le prive de sa morphine une heure ou deux.  L'air lui fait défaut, il ne peut pas l'avalere...pas une cellule de son corps qui ne soit pas en manque... de quoi?  Impossible à définir ou à expliquer.   Bref, l'homme n'est plus.  Il est déconnecté.  Ce qui se meut, ce qui s'angoisse, ce qui souffre, c'est un cadavre.  Il n'aspire et ni ne pense à rien d'autre qu'à la morphine. 
       
         La morphine!

         Mourir de soif est un mort paradisiaque, bienheureuse, comparée à la soif de morphine.  C'est ainsi, sans doute, qu'un enterré vivant s'efforce d'attraper les dérisoires dernières bulles d'air de son cercueil et se lacère la poitrine avec les ongles.  C'est ainsi qu'un hérétique gémit et se débat sur le bûcher lorsque les premières flames lui léchent les pieds... La mort, une mort à sec, à petit feu ..."

 

                    Mikhail Bulgakov, "MORPHINE"


Pentru ca Bulgakov este in topul meu 10.
Pentru ca addictia nu este o probleme de vointa.
Pentru ca addictia te face sa zbori, te ajuta sa traiesti dar te si ingroapa de viu.
Pentru ca oamenii astia sunt oameni speciali.
Pentru ca au nevoie sa fie intelesi, sprijiniti si vazuti.
Pentru ca oamenii astia sunt tot ceea ce este ascuns in noi!







Din punct de vedere muzical cred ca this deep amazing voice sounds a lot like morphine. Mark Sandman died in 1999, infarct.

Prison break 3. Death and all her friends.

We all know that this could happen.

It happened to my colleagues (nurses and doctors). They all have their graveyard. We all have it,as doctors.

But I remember precisely how it happened to me.

12.02 (I was thinking of going out eating something but still had some paper work to do). Phone rings. A nurse answers. She immediately screams in the medical unit : “We have a patient who hang himself! Fast, fast!”

12.04 We took the emergency backpack and we’ve started running on the empty hall ways. The doors from one sector to another one we’re opening so slow. We were running... The doors were slamming back after our passage. 1.2.3.4.5.6.7. doors and 2 floors.

12.10 He is in the “new comers” wing. Second floor. We split. Take the stair it will be quicker. I jump 2 stairs at a time. Second floor. Full of people. I couldn’t see their faces. I could just see the patient, lying down, not moving and the sheets hanging by the window bars.

12.15 A person was already doing the CPR. The patient was not moving, I didn’t have a pulse. He seemed ... We continue the CPR. We don’t want to loose him, we don’t want to call it, we cannot loose him, breathe God damn it. 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10.11.12.13.14.15.16.17.18.19.20.21.22.23.24.25.26.27.28.29.30 1.2. “all hands off the patient!” again and again and again! God if you can hear me, if you are there, please, don’t let him die! At some point I think I’ve realized I cannot do anything and that he was gone.

“ ... and the hardest part was letting go, not taking part ...” (Coldplay).

12.40 The ambulance arrives. They try to intubate him. They call it off.

I don’t remember doing the way back to the medical unit. I think I’ve cried but silently as the nurse student was in shock. When I’ve arrived to the medical unit everyone knew what happened after the look of my face. I got hugs and everyone kept on saying that we did everything possible. He would have done it any how sooner or latter. Somehow, it didn’t comfort me. How could it?

It was my patient. I did everything. He died, hung, in a prison cell, alone. Young, too young, had a family.

I felt weak. I felt Small, Guilty, Inefficient. He shouldn’t have been dead.

And then I realized he was not my first and he will not be my last. Because I’m a M.D. and sometimes you can simply not save them. It’s just that the whole system is wrong. I dislike prisons and any kind of structure who uses the abuse of power. Maybe this man didn’t belong in prison. When abuse it’s the only way of justice death and all of her friends come along.

And I am tired but I won’t give in (or at least I’ll try).

“ Cause sometimes you just feel tired, 

  Feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up.

  But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength

  And just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up

  And not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.

   Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out 

   Till my legs give out, can’t shut my mouth. 

   Till the smoke clears out. 

   Am I high? Perhaps I'ma rip this s*** till my bones collapse...

...I will not fall, I will stand tall.” (Eminem)

  

 So I hope that he’s in a better place. He would have done it sooner or latter prison or not prison. I have a bitter taste though. See you at a bitter end (Placebo).

And oh I do not fancy your life “dramas” as I know that worse is and always will be possible.

butterfly effect

sau visul :

visam ceva absolut normal, dar imposibil de rememorat si apoi brusc m-am trezit.
m-am dus in bucatarie sa imi fac un ceai. acolo am dat peste F si C care discutau.
brusc am vazut ca in podea era un fel de gura de canalizare in care se misca ceva. hmm, e ciudat ca avem o gura de canalizare in bucatarie!
Dumnezeule, sper ca nu este un sobolan (nu de alta dar dupa ultimul vis cu un sobolan bad things happened).
de fapt, nu era un sobolan, era o pisica gri, tigrata. ok, nu imi plac pisicile, shu, go away, am incercat sa o fac sa plece inapoi in canalizare. pisica a disparut asa cum a venit. ca sa apar inapoi dupa 2 minute cu un cadou minunat : 2 fluturi albastrii minunati! vii! pisica mi-a adus 2 fluturi albastrii vii! si a repetat actiunea de cel putin 2 ori! am vazut cum miscau timid din aripi, gratios! cred ca am si tinut 2 in palma. apoi mi-am dat seama ca visez. ca e un vis in vis. si am deschis, cu greu, ochii. mi-a fost greu sa las fluturii mei albastrii minunati in vis!

nu am avut de multe ori "vise in vise" dar intotdeauna au prevazut ceva cu totul deosebit!

a twist of faith! si asa sa ne ajute Dumnezeu pentru ca asteptarea e tare lunga si apasatoare.
as Coldplay says : "nobody said it would be easy, no one ever said it will be this hard!".
cat de bine este sa te trezesti dintr-un vis frumos, aproape ca uitasem cum e. compenseaza vremea intunecata de afara.











"recunosc ca n-am puterea sa te recunosc..."