Medicina generala sau viata ca o prada

"Mais Madalina, ca c'est comme un monument! Ca se visite!"

Era vorba despre o pacienta de 115 ani!!!

The truth is that I am lost! Completely lost! After 9 years I thought that I will finally get to do what I always dreamed to do : Addictology, but in the end things aren't working on exactly as I planned. But I have hope. Because I know that things happen for a reason and I know that someday the pieces of the puzzle will fall down in their right places. Because people aren't able to imagine what a war Med School is, it's impossible for a non-doctor to know. We are suffering a psychological torture during many years. We learn to run before we walk! You have to be though, you have to sometimes walk on bodies in order to get what is yours. For instance nobody imagines how we are treated like a sub-human-race during a lot of our surgical or medical stages. You don't have a name, you're "it", "number zero". You don't sleep, you eat when you can and what you can, you do sometimes everything except medicine. And it's hard as hell to hear from the one who should be your teachers, your role-models : "You're stupid/useless/a disgrace for the medical world, you'll never be a good Dr. In fact, you'll never be a Dr. 'cause you'll never pass my exam!". It happened to my mates, it happened to all of us; medical students. And not just once. Many people will trough in your face the classical phrase : "Don't complain, it's you who have decided to choose this path!". True, but no one can prepare you for what follows. And the internship it's long and we are still underrated, we are not looked as physicians/doctors, we're just "the real doctors mignons". We are trained to work as slaves, fetch food and coffee, and if possible think but always present your idea as your bosses idea. Gratifying isn't it? You learned 6 years to be the "doctors pet". Life in plastic is fantastic. And don't get me start of some patients! (just some, luckily not lots of them). It goes something like THIS.

So you learn what and how you can. And try to get the best out of it!

After 9 years I still don't know what I'll do, exactly. I know what I want to do but I am still not sure how I will get it. And a very old dream rises again : Medicina fara frontiere!

























DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME, I WON'T BE IGNORED!!!

But one thing is cristal clear : what lucky were we to grow up with this amazing music. When rock was still rock! And music was not shit and not porn! Take everything from the inside and trough it all away, 'cause I swear for the last time, I won't trust myself again with you. I WON'T WASTE MYSELF ON YOU!
Anger is good sometimes, it can clear your mind and your guts. And babies, drooling and laughing babies, this also helps, they can take you to a happier place. And dogs, dogs always work!







I know the album "Hybrid theory" by heart, the best LP album.
I also know "Korn", "Life is peachy" and "Follow the leader" by Korn, by heart. That was music.




















And it appears clear to me now that I was never born to do medecine for the rich and ungrateful. I have a mission to help the weak ones. You know that I know that I am no Messia but I will do my best to help the one in need. 'cause I know that a friend in need is a friend in deed. Once I took the HIPPOCRATE OATH and I do not intend to break it. Not for you my rich, fat, ungrateful piece of garbage. Although in the end your ignorance is bliss. People are dying of starvation and you complain that you have to pay 2 euros for a fucking pommade??? When you never worked your entire life, you were just "pretty" besides you're successful husband? As I said ignorance is bliss but I will not be part of your game! And you loose a very good doctor, just so you know!














So humanitarian medicine and addictology here I come!!!

In Martinica cu o doamna comercianta localnica. May the colors be back!!!

posibilitati nelimitate

FACTS :

Atunci cand trebuie neaparat SA MA APUC DE TREABA/SCRIS/CITIT whatever you have to do for work my possibilities of procrastination are unlimited. It's like I have super powers just to hang around, wasting my time when I really, really have to work at something.

Let's take this instant to begin with : I should work but instead what am I doing?
I : changed the sheets, washed clothes, hang out the clothes, cleaned my room, watered the plants, rearranged the furniture, re organised  my wallet and so on...just to tell you at what advanced level I am. And of course I found an outrageous article on the internet ( the mother of all possibilities) which I will share with you, because my blood is at the boiling point :

click on Sarah Palin

Good. Now : cum naiba sa nu te "faire monter la mayonnaise" dupa cum ar zice francezii cand citesti asa ceva? Stiu ca it's such a clichée dar este atat de stupid. Doara pentru ca esti o natiune "Mare" nu inseamna ca poti sa te iei de natiunile mai mici si " mai proaste" ( pentru ca sunt mai mici sunt si mai proaste, asta e un truism pentru ele). Sa o poke around like your little stupid sister! Small doesn't mean stupid!!! Bref, je me suis excitée sur ca....tout pour ne pas travailler.

Am si o carte care sa imi tina de urat, as usual...The art of procrastination care ma invata sau ar trebui sa ma invete sa fac acest lucru eficient, cica se poate!

no se puede vivir con tanto veneno...




ai avut sanse nenumarate sa vorbesti cu mine dar ai ales sa taci.
acum vorbesti dar e tarziu in timpul nostru iar eu sunt obosita.
cuvintele tale cad metodic ca niste cutite.
iar eu am nevoie de liniste, linistea sa cada-n mine.
aseara a trecut celine pe la mine, am povestit, am jucat un joc, am ras, m-am simtit bine.
cred ca pot redeveni ceea ce am fost daca sunt lasata in pace. asa ca... don't speak.




eu sunt multumita cu ceea ce am trait impreuna. impacata cu sfarsitul. people come and go.
am invatat multe in acesti ani.
cred ca cel mai important a fost how to let go si cum sa nu mai imi fac rau.
sa spun ce ma deranjeaza cand ma deranjeaza.
it's all ending we gotta stop pretending! de fapt, deja s-a terminat.
daca si tu ai invatat macar un lucru in tot acest timp; eu sunt fericita.
poate ca la un moment dat drumurile noastre se vor intersecta de nouveau. on sais jamais!
but now you have to let go, because you're hurting me.



"What was here now is gone
Up and down like everyone
Walk the earth in lonesome cry
But when the sun comes up
When the sun comes up
It will be on your side."

din monstrii si oameni

"... Some days I can't even dress myself
     It's killing me to see you this way


     Soon it will all be over, and buried with our past
     We used to play outside when we were young
     And full of life and full of love

    Some days I feel like I'm wrong when I am right
    Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear

    You're gone, gone, gone away
    I watched you disappear
    All that's left is a ghost of you
    Now we're torn, torn, torn apart
    There's nothing we can do
    Just let me go, we'll meet again soon
    Now wait, wait, wait for me
    Please hang around
    I'll see you when I fall asleep..."

Iar monstrii de sub patul meu nu ma lasa, imi tulbura somnul lin, ma iau in ghearele lor si ma joaca, asemenea unei marionete. Alouette, alouette... Au toate culorile intunericului si nici macar nu cred ca sunt rai monstrii astia, sunt doar tristi. Exista vampiri energetici. Inainte nu credeam asta, acum cred. Explicatia este trista si nu merita expusa aici. Bref, monstrii astia eu cred ca nu asteapta decat un motiv ca sa fie fericiti dupa care isi vor lasa in urma adaposturile intunecoase si vor iesii in lumina. Eu asa cred. 



Da, sunt o visatoare incurabila si am nevoie de speranta asa cum am nevoie de oxigen. Ma hranesc zi de zi din zambete, maini maiestre si pricepute care pun diagnostice la minut, sperante si culori.
Problema este ca suntem in mijlocul iernii, este fri, frig, ploua in loc sa ninga si parca totul este pe dos. Au disparut culorile, zambetele oamenilor, de speranta nu mai zic. Zace ingropata la six feet under. Iar mainile maiestre imi ating sufletul dar nu mai ajung ca sa ma aduca la suprafata.



"... And it hurts too much to see you
And how you left yourself behind
You know I wouldn't want to be you
Now there's a hell I can't describe..."

Asa ca dorm prost si deseori insuficient pt ca nu reusesc sa adorm inainte de miizeul noptii. Dimineata, mananc pe fuga, la pranz mananc pe fuga seara la fel. Viata de medic. Era zicala aia cum ca : " Nu fa ce face preotul, fa ce zice el!". Cam asa si cu doctorii. Miscare 0. Stress pana in plafon. Astept primavara. Am devenit cinica. Acum am inteles si am acceptat ca nu poti sa ai nota 10 pe toate planurile. Am invatat ca uneori mai trebuie sa si pierzi. Si ca daca un lucru e stricat si nu mai merge, uneori nu merita reparat. Poate ca nu era facut sa mearga inca de la inceput. Si nu e vina nimanui ca tot ce arde cu flacara se mistuie tot atat de repede...



Recent am vorbit cu Ursii, prietenii mei din Cehia, m-au invitat la ei. Daca as putea, as zbura si in momentul asta. Dar nu se poate. Asa ca raman cu speranta ca ii voi revedea candva si ca ma voi umple din nou cu energie pozitiva din fantana lor nesecata.

Cum inteleg acum mai bine ca niciodata ce vroia sa zica profa de chimie din liceu cu "oamenii simpli".
Si ce bine inteleg acum ca uneori you have to let it go. If it's broken it was never meant to be.



"... I was the one who gave you everything
The one who took the fall
You were the one who would do anything
The one who can't recall..."
Calduri mari, mon chér!

DT

Vreau sa merg la un concert de-al lor! Neaparat!!

day 6

astazi e ziua 6 la noul meu loc de munca. in Wissembourg. medicina interna. pentru urmatoarele 6 luni. miroase a moarte, a viata, a esec si victorie si neuroni munciti.

miroase a medicina organica. a corp si secretii umane.

a furtuna incinsa care se injura pentru ca nu a invatat la timp ce trebuia sa invete. mama ei de viata mai furtuna...ce faceai tu cand trebuia sa inveti toate lucurile astea?...well...dreaming my life away.



well now it`s over. stop dreaming. start working 6/7 days.

spanac cu cartofi fierti. peste fara gust. branza topita cu usturoi si piper ( cine serveste asa ceva la pranz???). uree. creatinina. apa. troponine. dementa. elastic de par. telefonul suna. angina pectorala. nu am timp sa raspund. branza topita cumparata impreuna cu el. urgente. alearga. gandeste. neuronul se aprinde. lumina se stinge. echographie cardiaque. sperante de mai bine. frica de imediat. garzi. suna alarma. fuga. 3 ore de somn. nu mai beau cafea. m-am lasat de o saptamana. nu o sa mai beau decat in vacante si la ocazii speciale. nu. garzile nu se pun ca si ocazii speciale. si nici diminetile cu fundul in sus. am nevoie de un uscator de rufe. tenul meu incepe sa isi revina. trebuie sa invat sa merg pe bicicleta. co-interne sympatique. penny. match. lidl. 0 money. fuck the french water it makes my skin dry. haine spalate. miros de primavara. haine intinse balcanic prin camera. ca la tigani. nu mai am femeie de serviciu. trebuie sa imi fac singura curat in camera. traagedia. azi am facut curata. sunt stoarsa de energie. trebuie sa ma intorc la spital.





praf in gura. praf in ochi. dooooooooooooor de mare. mai visez la barcelona din cand in cand!

one of my fav placebo songs...



"Every step we take that's synchronized
Every broken bone
Reminds me of the second time
That I followed you home

You shower me with lullabies
As you're walking away
Reminds me that it's killing time
On this fateful day"



blue american



I wrote this novel just for you
It sounds pretentious but it's true
I wrote this novel just for you
That's why it's vulgar
That's why it's blue
And I say, thank you









a very old one