jardin d'hiver sau "cabana"

Stau cu o cafea calda in fata. Cafea cu aroma de alune de padure. In timp ce sorb fiecare picatura ma uit la cei doi tipi care dorm pe canapeaua mea. Care va sa zica sunt in the pack. That's what they told me yesterday. Si eu, totusi, nu inteleg cum naiba ma bag mereu in rahaturi din astea? Cum nu pot eu sa fiu "the one" for one man but part of the pack. Because I am such a good player, ain't I? Si nu stiu si nu imi sta in fire sa "ma dau la un tip". Nu pot. Si daca imi place de mor. Daca nu face el pasul I shall be forever not his. Poate ca sunt traditionalista dar sangele apa nu se face. Asa ca ma aleg mereu cu o parte din gasca pe canapea dar cu inima plina de amintiri frumoase, un zambet pe buze si acum un loc de cazare la Londra.


Oricum demult nu ma mai intreb "cum ar fi fost daca". Traiesc in prezent.
Iar prezentul este aceasta iarna blanda, cu soare, cu orhideea pe cale sa infloreasca, cu my casa plina, cu prieteni buni si ras nebun. Plimbare prin ger dar cu soare si un cer albastru azuriu. Si, totusi, caut o fata, caut pe cineva dar se pare ca nu am puterea sa il recunosc. Speranta este ca poate el ma va recunoaste.


E cald si placut. E soare. In curand o sa plecam spre centru, o sa bem o cafea cu lapte, o sa mancam un croissant si apoi o sa urcam in catedrala. De pe platforma o sa vedem tot Strasbourgul. Si o sa ne simtim binecuvantati pentru ca locuim aici. Apoi o sa coboram razand, evitand capcana porumbeilor si o sa mergem la muzeu.


I like my days here. It just gets better and better. Chillax. Respira si fii constient de asta, bucura-te de gradina ta de iarna, din interior. Unde sunt multe flori de gheata, cafea geniala si oameni minunati la un garden party! Si fonDU, cougars and the wolf of london aka wolfy!

a view from Barcelonas windows

" Barcelona here we come...one more week...yeyyyyyy!"

Asta se intampla acum vreun an jumate. Cand inca eram cu el.
Eram nerabdatoare, entuziasta, encore un voyage! Allons y les enfants!
Si Barcelona e fantezista, aventuroasa, misterioasa ca o dama in rochii haute couture. Are culori halucinante, parcuri magice si catedrale majestuoase. Am iubit Sagrada Familia : atat de salbatica, de libera, de fara griji, de ... ma doare la basca! Apoi casa Battlo, the bones house it just felt like pure magic. So majestic! I remember walking on that hot roof, imagining battles with dragons and glorious sunrises. Hard rock café, plaja, strazile aglomerate si Rambla. Mimul.
Daca aveti ocazia sa vizitati Barcelona, nu ezitati. Este un oras viu, minunat. It's not my cup of tea but this doesn't make it less wonderful.

Dar Barcelona este si extraordinar de fierbinte, in sensul rau al cuvantului, foarte aglomerata, scumpa si fierbinte.

I left something in Barcelona. A part of me died there. I couldn't grief until now. But now it is gone with the wind. I used to think that you have to earn love, that love has to be earned, that you have to suffer in order to be happy, that you can be humiliated in the name of love, that it's ok to look at yourself as a sinner and to be in pain and feel ashamed about yourself. But there was a voice in my head which was telling me that this is not ok, this isn't love. When you love someone you forgive. The past doesn't matter any more. It's just the present and the future. What in your life made you so miserable that you needed to smash my soul out on the ground? I've never felt more alone while being with someone in my entire life! I felt alone, depressed, I lacked confidence in myself, I lost myself, I chalked my words so you could feel better. I put myself in a box so you could feel better!
Now I am living again, on my own and I am happy or sad but I know that the result is the sum of my actions. And it feels good. Because I know that love is freedom and confidence and joy and celebration and colors!




So , yes, I died a little bit in Barcelona. That's why it's not my first top city.

plongé

Astazi am sarit in apa pentru prima data. Ce senzatie de eliberare, de libertate, incredibil! De pe un ponton inalt de 3 metri, direct in Marea Caraibelor. Senzatia aia ca esti intre cer si pamant...inoubliable! Apa clara ca si cristalul; nici calda, nici rece, perfection. Chipul tau in mintea mea, mereu. Poate ca nu te-am cunoscut inca sau poate ca te-am cunoscut prea bine, poate ca nu este inca momentul tau in viata mea. In apa, cu ochii larg deschisi. Bule , pesti, reciful. Sentimentul ca est super departe de tot, linistea totala. Linistea va curge-n mine. Lipsa de aer, simetria membrelor inferioare si superioare, pentru propulsarea corpului la suprafata. Prima gura de aer, senzatia de viata calda prin vene, zgomotele care incep sa (ti) revine. Apoi cursa prontre corali, ocolirea crabilor, catararea pietrelor, plaja, podul, rebemol. Si ciocolateii care cadeau in apa, pe langa noi, dupa diverse scheme aeriene imposibil de imaginat.


Super gradina botanica. Cu flori una si una. Am vazut colibrii pentru prima oara in viata mea. Pasrai colibrii asa ca la tele enciclopedia, cum vedeam la televizor cand eram mica. Sunt foarte frumoase, energice, geniale!


Piata pulsand de viata. Orasul sarac dar cu suflet mare. Papaya, guyave, mango, ananas, avem de toate. Suc de guyave...mmm...de vis! Oameni de abanos cu inima in ochii si zambetul colgate. Mame si bunici plini de dragoste. Oameni minunati, curiosi, blanzi, inteligenti, docili.

these are my patients

"   Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?

I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who need reasons when you've got heroine?"

Dupa mine exista 3 filme epice care ajuta oarecum la intelegerea adictiei, 2 dintre ele mai serioase.

1) trainspotting ( 1996)

2) requiem for a dream ( 2000)

3) how high ( 2001).

Pe al 3 lea l-am vazut cu L. la mare, cu M. In epoca in care am descoperit si luna amara si tapinarii si ipr si multeeeeeeeeee altele...este o comedie si atat ( desi...I need moeny! head! neeeeeeeeeext!).

Celelalte 2 te pun cel putin pe ganduri.

Just watch them and we'll talk afterwards.

let's roll and rock one more week!

din ciclul " pe vremea mea cantecele erau complexe..."








"...  Tidal waves don't beg forgiveness
Crashed and on their way
Father he enjoyed collisions; others walked away
A snowflake falls in may.
And the doors are open now as the bells are ringing out

'Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
Goodbye for now.

Nature has its own religion; gospel from the land
Father ruled by long division, young men they pretend
Old men comprehend.

And the sky breaks at dawn; shedding light upon this town
They'll all come around
Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
Good bye for now.

And the road
The old man paved
The broken seems along the way
The rusted signs, left just for me

He was guiding me, love, his own way
Now the man of the hour is taking his final bow
As the curtain comes down
I feel that this is just goodbye for now..."

live and let die

makes you give in and try...live and let die!

my all time favourite song!

"Belinda was mine 'til the time that I found her
Holdin' Jim
And lovin' him
Then Sue came along, loved me strong, that's what I thought
Me and SueBut that died, too

Don't know that I will but until I can find me
A girl who'll stay and won't play games behind me
I'll be what I am
A solitary man

I've had it to hear - being where love's a small word
A part time thing
A paper ring
I know it's been done havin' one girl who loved you
Right or wrong
Weak or strong"

baby sitter for 16 years old me

ca sa cresc mare si increzatoare in viata, cu radacini adanc ancorate in ocean. pentru ca epavele nu mor niciodata iar furtunile renasc mereu, time after time.

once upon a time in a deep green forest...there was a girl who only had one wish : to fly away.



everything seemed unbearable at the moment : her parents, her love life, the city. she had friends and books and dreams and an education that money couldn't buy! she was a beautiful disaster or at least that's how she wanted to believe she was. at the moment, nobody told her that actually : " you don't get better than this!". everybody told her the opposite. so she always keeps a question in a dusty corner of her mind, no matter how good or bad things are : " dar daca dupa colt, te asteapta mai mult?"



so she grabs every opportunity arrives to travel. and that's a thing that she does extremely well : being a tourist! never has problems, always find friends even in the most unfamiliar places.



and one day she found that after the green, green forests is the sea! and after that the Ocean! and the pyramids, and la tour eiffel, the big ben, taipei 101, hong kong,amsterdam, brussels, copacabana, cristo redentor, cascadele iguazu and many many other wonders! it was like a giant caroussel!

they were so many wonderful moments made by wonderful people and wonderful places. of course, couch surfing helped a lot!

and then she, she, she...I don't know, kind of stopped!
'cause it ain't easy being an adult and earning your life responsibly!
if I might add only one thing I would say : Don't grow up! It's a trap!
on the other side life is different now. not worse, not better, just different. of course travelling again would be wonderful but for the moment I just pressed pause...for effect!

post it

post it for myself





she smiled to me on the subway...
but she was with another man...
she can see from my face
that I was flying high
...'cause I'll never be with you!



I've kissed your lipd and held your hand
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell
I've been addicted to you.

trouble is her only friend
and he's back again!

                   ain't it funny?
                      trouble is the only way in this town!
                         if she would have wings
                             she would fly away!

day 6

astazi e ziua 6 la noul meu loc de munca. in Wissembourg. medicina interna. pentru urmatoarele 6 luni. miroase a moarte, a viata, a esec si victorie si neuroni munciti.

miroase a medicina organica. a corp si secretii umane.

a furtuna incinsa care se injura pentru ca nu a invatat la timp ce trebuia sa invete. mama ei de viata mai furtuna...ce faceai tu cand trebuia sa inveti toate lucurile astea?...well...dreaming my life away.



well now it`s over. stop dreaming. start working 6/7 days.

spanac cu cartofi fierti. peste fara gust. branza topita cu usturoi si piper ( cine serveste asa ceva la pranz???). uree. creatinina. apa. troponine. dementa. elastic de par. telefonul suna. angina pectorala. nu am timp sa raspund. branza topita cumparata impreuna cu el. urgente. alearga. gandeste. neuronul se aprinde. lumina se stinge. echographie cardiaque. sperante de mai bine. frica de imediat. garzi. suna alarma. fuga. 3 ore de somn. nu mai beau cafea. m-am lasat de o saptamana. nu o sa mai beau decat in vacante si la ocazii speciale. nu. garzile nu se pun ca si ocazii speciale. si nici diminetile cu fundul in sus. am nevoie de un uscator de rufe. tenul meu incepe sa isi revina. trebuie sa invat sa merg pe bicicleta. co-interne sympatique. penny. match. lidl. 0 money. fuck the french water it makes my skin dry. haine spalate. miros de primavara. haine intinse balcanic prin camera. ca la tigani. nu mai am femeie de serviciu. trebuie sa imi fac singura curat in camera. traagedia. azi am facut curata. sunt stoarsa de energie. trebuie sa ma intorc la spital.





praf in gura. praf in ochi. dooooooooooooor de mare. mai visez la barcelona din cand in cand!

one of my fav placebo songs...



"Every step we take that's synchronized
Every broken bone
Reminds me of the second time
That I followed you home

You shower me with lullabies
As you're walking away
Reminds me that it's killing time
On this fateful day"



blue american



I wrote this novel just for you
It sounds pretentious but it's true
I wrote this novel just for you
That's why it's vulgar
That's why it's blue
And I say, thank you









a very old one