reflexion

Story of my life ...


" ... - It wouldn't be bad but I don't like being stuck in one place. I want to be free to go wherever I like and think about whatever I want. I want to live free.
       - But this is not very easy.
       - You're right, it's not easy. But I am determined. I want to be free..."


                                                   "Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage" by HARUKI MURAKAMI

berlin

I love Berlin because it reminds me of how easy and pleasant life's actually and about how we are complicating it!

Before going to Berlin I was not in a very happy place : work, friends...people...I was feeling kind of confused and lost in translation. I was in such a hurry all the time, I didn't have patience anymore, I wanted answers and I was getting kind of radical which is sort of not me. And the worst part is that I've almost stop dreaming my life away.

So I kind of spontaneously decided to go there. Berlin wasn't even on my wishlist of cities that I wanted to visit. But I had a friend there and I was kind of curious so...there I went.

First of all Berlin is relaxed : smiling people everywhere with a beer in their hand, chatting outside in the sun, with their dogs (with no leash!) just sharing some smiles, exchange some ideas.

Second : every person that I've been in contact with spoke perfect english!

Fear cand hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free.

So I kind of new that even if I get lost (which was often the case :) I will akways find someone to help me.

Big monuments, large avenues, good food and drinks and partyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It's amazing how on the same street you can have a russian, a thai, an italian and a pakistani restaurant. You get to see a metal bar next to a latino club and it's all cool.

Also everybody is smoking in bars and clubs. Which bothered me at the begining but reminded me of Cluj. So it was cool. I danced and laughed and shared coffee and food with people met randomly on the street. People tried to sell me weed  and I even got mistaken for a prostitute (because I was wearing high heels) which is kind of funny (years for now I will laugh with L. : hey do you remember that time when I came to visit you in Berlin and I was mistaken for a prostitute? Yes, it was funny!). People where simple, dressed in black and not dressed to impress, happy, with lots of tattoes, mohawks, funky, funny, colored, of all types, spanish, italians, turkish...

Someone told me that in Berlin are more architects than cab drivers. 

No one screams, no one runs, no one is rude. At least the people that I've met.

They say that you see what you want to see. That what you see is a reflection of you. I've chosen to see the beautiful in Berlin, the alternative, the good coffee and the smiling people. Peace. Because the rest is not important.

I got scare tissue in Berlin. I got better. It will always be my happiness reminder with his squats, his music, the people. It's true that a friend in need is a friend indeed but a funny sarcastic friend with a big heart, beer and a lovely top flor apartment is better.

I mean it's simple : viata e frumoasa si nimic nu merita regrete. So just do what you feel like doing and don't regret it. Regrets just complicate life and don't solve anything. Don't look back in anger. Live in the moment because you never know if you'll still be there for the next moment. And dream, dream big so you can achieve big things. 

Don't waste your time on people who don't deserve you. People that bring out the best of you are the only valid option.

I am always saying that there is nothing that the road can't heal. I truly believe this. One voyage as often as possible keeps the doctor away...and the sun in your life. We are what we give to other people. I've chosen to give love. So if you give me nothing, nothing is what you get. 

W A L K I N G    A R O U N D in Berlin parks, museums, bars  I found my lost equilibre. And it felt good, natural, it felt like home. Oh, and they also have huge Flea Markets! When Didi left for the rainbow community I didn't get it. It took me a while. But she was happy so it was ok. Now we're all just fine : in africa, europe or australia united we stand! We are bulletproof now :)

repeat

nu cred ca exista cantec mai sexy decat al doilea...

Asteptarea

Este cea mai urata parte din proces. Asteptarea. You are just lingering between life and death, between sorrow and joy, between black and white. And what do you do while life is passing you by?





Drink a good coffee and eat à maccaron or à chataigne.







that seems to be a good option and then work you ass off to DO THINGS DONE!

 and meanwhile you realize that spring moved on...this was in Mai, on my street...

and then you realize that summer moved on also....

and that autumn is here. and all that's left is some sand in your shoes, the thought of freedom, the coffee and the ...lust for life!

So come with me baby, have a cigar!

retro light are on and sometimes, just sometimes, old friends can turn into something else, something borrowed, something new, every me and every you. Right, Placebo?

leather jacket, black t-shirt, cut jeans...autumn is here and so are the old habits who die hard, hard, hard...

hope

hope is a 4 letters word! everything that kills me makes me feel alive!



"...You can feel like a part of something if you're part of the scene
You can make your life look pretty add a little ice and gin,
Wash off the make-up and prepare the aspirin
Well you can get out of this party dress but you can't get out of this skin..."




uneori, trebuie doar sa ceri! sa te rogi din tot sufletul si sa ceri!

un punct

Sunt un punct intr-o mare de puncte. Colorate. Punctele formeaza totul. Apele, pamantul, cerul, focul, vantul. Prezentul, trecutul si viitorul. Poze pixelate si uneori blurate. Dar fara un punct nimic nu mai este la fel?!





Nu mi-am dorit niciodata sa zbor in spatiu. Imi e frica. Incredibil de frica sa imi pierd pamantul de sub picioare. In mod dubios nu imi e frica de ocean, de scufundari, de munti, de prapastii. Dar de spatiu da! Nu m-as urca intr-o naveta spatiala pentru nimic in lume!





In ultima vacanta am fost 8 zile pe vapor. Cu mici acostari in porturi. Totusi, 8 zile pe mare. Nu am stiut cum o sa (imi) fie. Mi-am luat cu mine medicamente contra raului de mare si cu toate panzele sus!





Si, Doamne, cum mi-au fost daramate toate barierele. Sa te vezi inconjurat de apa, cat vezi cu ochii apa. Iar apoi sa vezi bancuri de pesti zburatori care ieseau la aer pentru cate o acrobatie si delfinii care se jucau cu vaorul, il ocoleau, il surpindeau, faceau ture, 8 uri, inotau sarind, parca zambindu-ne. Cate are marea de oferit! In primul rand liniste si mii de stele si bariere de corali si minunate specii acvatice. Cum e sa stai pe punte, cu vantul biciuindu-ti fata? Cum e sa dormi noaptea pe "acoperisul" vaporului, intins pe spate, cu mainile sub cap, contempland spectacolul celest, stelele fara numar, stralucind nebuneste, jucand in constelatii, chemandu-te spre ele? Este PRICELESS !! Asa este! Un asa sentiment de libertate si de curaj rar mi-a fost dat sa experimentez. A fost atat de uimitor incat, in mai multe randuri, mi-am spus : " Doamne, daca mor acum, nu imi pare rau. Sunt fericita! Am facut tot ce am vrut sa fac. I lived by my rules, I did it my way!". Cafeaua bauta inainte de rasarit, invelita in stratul roz de vise! Saritul in apa, snorkelingul, testoasele uriase care treceau pe sub mine, apa clara, pestii, bariera de corali, plajele parasite, palmierii, nisipiul alb si fin, casele de vis, oamenii ciocolatii cu zambetul colgate si miere in ochi. In marea asta mi-am aruncat ultimele regrete. Le-am pus intr-o sticla de sticla imaginara, inchisa cu un dop de pluta sigilat cu ceara rosie pe care erau insemnele Furtunii. Si am aruncat sticla cat am putut eu de departe. Apoi totul a parut mai usor, mai luminos, mai clar. Viitorul nu s-a limpezit dar temerile au disparut.





As putea sa vorbesc ore intregi despre experienta Marii dar prefer sa va las cu niste poze.





Curcubeul vazut in apa, intr-o dimineata, a fost magic. Si nu cred ca voi putea uita vreodata apusul magnific, cu cerul arzand, rosu portocaliu cu irizatii de aur topit, pe marea linistita, umbrita de palmierii cunoscuti din vis, din copilarie ( de pe rochia neagra a mamei cu apusuri insangerate pe fond de palmieri). Nicicand nu am putut visa ca o sa vad asta in realitate. Apoi am invatat ca daca iti doresti ceva cu adevarat, trebuie doar sa ceri si sa crezi pana la ultimul punct din tine ca vei primii ceea ce ai cerut. " Cere si ti se va da!"









Jurnal de bord Iulie, Marea Caraibelor :
" Aici nu avem notiunea timpului. Nu stiu in ce data suntem azi si nici ora nu o cunosc. Stiu doar ca nu e nici prima nici ultima zi pe mare. Restul nu conteaza. Telefonul nu imi mai funtioneaza inca de cand am ajuns in Martinica. Restul lumii imi e strain. Realitatea mea e aici. Acum. Ieri m-am gandit la tine cand lasam urme efemere pe acea plaja quasi pustie. Oare ai fost si tu pe Marea asta? Ai pus si tu piciorul in apa cristal clear si un gand fugar a fugit spre mine? Pentru ca desi incerci sa simplifici totul esti foarte complicat. Atat de complicat incat nici (tu) nu (te) mai recunosti.





Sentimentul asta ca timpul se opreste in loc si ca timpul se dilata nu poate exista in multe locuri pe Pamant!"

strit

Azi luam toti pranzul in bucataria spitalului de zi ( strit = psihiatrul, eu = interna, infirmiera, asistenta, secretara si asistenta sefa). Si turuiam noi vrute si nevrute, la care psiul imi zice :

" Madalina, tu va être psychiatre!"

Mi-a stat inima in loc. Literalmente. I had a dream!

despre tine, despre mine, despre oameni in general

...Now, now, chillax, we're all going down someday, at the basement, someone will judge us maybe but what really matters in this passage called life is never ever to have second thoughts and never ever doubt yourself. 

Because if you do, people will put you down.

The majority of the people you'll meet they'll be indifferent towards you, a minority will try to prove you wrong and put you down and a few will try to help you and bring out the good stuff. Just hang on to those people, you're shinning diamonds!...

It's always so difficult to distinguish what you seriously like : do you like your mentor ( his brightness, his shine, his knowledge, his power...) or do you like what he's teaching? 


Do you choose your life or someone's other life? You're living your dream or THE DREAM.

How do you...

" ...M-am plans odata Parintelui Andrei Scrima ca sunt prea obosit, ca sunt tras in toate partile si fac prea multe lucruri, iar asta ma risipeste. Mi-a spus «draga, gandeste-te ca atragi tipul asta de solicitare, prin ceva vicii de comportament, printr-o greseala a miscarii tale publice. Nu e nimeni vinovat. Esti una cu aceste solicitari bezmetice»..."

              Andrei Plesu


How do you live with your choices? How do you accept that your life is only the consequence of your actions?

the golden hour

Cat de multe lucruri poti face intr-o ora?
 Nu foarte multe...sa citesti, sa te plimbi, sa faci sport, sa iesi la o cafea, sa stai in trafic, sa pui benzina, sa faci cumparaturi...sa razi, sa te certi, sa incerci sa intelegi, sa (te) ierti...sau enorm de multe. Sunt sigura ca ati experimentat sentimentul de dilatare a timpului. So many ideas/minut...

In medicina o ora poate schimba viata unui om that's why we call it the golden hour!

Asa ca daca vreodata viata mea o sa fie in mainile unui rezident, vreau sa am o lista pe care sa o rememorez, cu cele mai marete ganduri ale mele. Si voi avea incredere in el asa cum pacientii mei au avut si au incredere in mine.

Asa cum eu am invatat sa go with the flow, it takes years of practice, not knowing when you'll be able to sleep/eat/drink/pee. It's difficult like hell because for 24 golden hours your life doesn't belong to you anymore. You are your patients God. And if anything goes wrong, you're the only responsible.

Suturi, gips, rasini, politraumatizati, abuzati ( fizic sau psihic), apendicite, torsiuni testiculare, invaginatii, traume craniene, politraumatizati...toti sunt in mainile tale. Trebuie sa prioritizezi! Sa inveti sa explici calm, chiar daca pacientul/apartinatorii urla/plang/nu pot ( vor) sa inteleaga. Uneori nu poti face nimic. And then you have to let go!

Nu o sa uit niciodata primul meu anunt de cancer. La o femeie tanara. Nu era cinstit, nu vedeam rostul, nu vedeam de ce eu? De ce ea? Am intrat in camera, i-am explicat, apoi am vazut cum efectiv se micsora, sub ochii mei, in pat. As fi vrut sa fiu tare, ca o stanca. Instead of that I started crying while explaining the treatment options. And then the miracle happened : femeia s-a ridicat din pat, a venit la mine si m-a luat in brate. Mi-a spus ca e ok, ca o sa ma obisnuiesc cu timpul sa dau astfel de vesti, ca asta e destinul ei si ca eu trebuie sa fiu tare pentru ca o sa mai dau vesti din astea. 7  zile mai tarziu eram de garda si am visat 2 ochi care ma priveau ca si cum ma rugau sa ii las sa plece. 2 ore mai tarziu am primit un apel : era la urgente, in coma. Am incercat sa o transfer pe oncologie, pe reanimare, fara succes. 5 ore mai tarziu murea in serviciul meu. Si atunci am inteles ochii : eu nu eram pregatita sa ii dau drumul. But she was never mine. I got attached. It was human, but I am a doctor. So do you do that? Or not. So I learned to let go. To care but without influencing the decisions of my patients.



Eu am ales de multa vreme sa ma implic in viata pacientilor mei daca este dorinta lor. De aceea sunt mult mai inclinata spre partea de psihoterapie decat de medicina. Ma intereseaza pacientul ca si intreg. Dar mai ales mintea, pentru ca de acolo pleaca totul!



Ce fel de doctor este ala care urmeaza niste recomandari si atat? Nu este un doctor, este un robotel fricos! Experienta personala nu ii mai foloseste la nimic, caci ii este prea frica sa iasa din "legea scrisa". Dar ce te faci cand legea scrisa se schimba tot la 2-3 ani? Cine mai e Dumnezeul tau? Si ce folos ca ii tratezi hipertensiunea, diabetul sau astmul daca omul e deprimat? Si daca nu are chef decat sa moara? Why not speak with him? It's so easy. Words always win, even tough we loose.



Sometimes we're angry, tired, we don't have an "easy" job. Being close to your patients it's not easy. It's a choice. Well, I choose life, smile, words. I choose psychiatry over somatic medicine. I choose drug addicts and "crazy people". Because somehow they have a glow! Because that's where I belong! I wanna know that I did something in this life a part from prescribing medicines. I wanna be a part of my patients life and I want to lift him up!

Cateodata...

Cateodata ce poti tu face cel mai mult nu este indeajuns pentru ceilalti.
Cateodata ai vrea sa te ascunzi sub patura si sa nu mai iesi de acolo.
Cateodata iti spui ca, uite, miroase a toamna si copacii sunt colorati, uite ca viata e frumoasa, totusi.
Cateodata ai vrea ca totul sa mearga struna numai ca merge ca o struna rupta sau demielinizata.
Cateodata vrei o vacanta in care sa pleci pe o insula pustie, tu cu un cocotier si cu niste carti.
Cateodata multumesti pentru tot ceea ce ai avut si pentru tot ceea ce ai in viata ta.
Cateodata ai vrea sa faci mai multe dar nu stii cum.
Catodata esti super eficient iar cateodata, de cele mai multe ori, esti varza. Une grande et belle choux fleur, c'est ça que tu est!
Cateodata ai vrea sa te uiti la multe filme, unul dupa altul, cu pauza doar de mers la toaleta si facut un ceai cald.
Cateodata iti spui ca este mai frumos sa daruiesti decat sa primesti.
Cateodata iti dai seama ca esti norocos chiar daca te simti ghiniost.
Cateodata exista mai rau dar si MAI BINE!
Iar cateodata ma gandesc la ce va urma...where do we go from here?



Cateodata iti dai seama ca nu te poti schimba si ca nu vrei sa te schimbi.
Cateodata esti cine esti si asta nu se schimba!

chihlimbar

te iubesc si imi e tare dor de tine!

daca vreodata am fost vreo piatra pretioasa, am fost chihlimbar. poate ca pentru ca isi are originea intr-o rasina...nu stiu. dar ceva indescriptibil ma leaga de piatra asta. o simt, o vad, ma insoteste mereu. in ea e destinul meu.

cat despre copac, precis am fost un tei. nu am nimic sa tin in gand. teiul meu. de la mare. mare departare de casa. cand inca eram o familie. si ai mei lucrau voiosi pe bani grei iar eu culegeam tei. tata il punea la uscat pe dulap. apoi il luam acasa, in borcane mari. si teiul ajungea de la saturn la brasov. era marea neagra-n borcan. mirosul de tei, il am mereu cu mine. teiul e puternic si optimist!